The Burnt Onion
Satirical headlines faintly related to future fire
Disturbance In The Force Ecology
To some people, fire is just a disturbance. This is somewhat reflected in the United Nations System of Environmental and Economic Accounting, which tracks nature’s stocks and flows. You’ll find no trace of fire here, except in the changes it induces in other accounts e.g. the extent of vegetation in a certain condition, or the amount of clean air and fresh water coming out of an ecosystem.
Well, anyway, Disturbance In The Force Ecology is the study of when something happens… not entirely sure what… and it happens somewhere… not entirely sure where… also we’re not sure over what timeframe things will unfold (a bit like fire, really). But chances are, it’s gonna be big. We’re talking the rise of some new evil power, or perhaps the coming of age of some up and coming Jedi Knight.
Grant Application Without Evening And Weekend Work Rejected By Funding Body As “Unrealistic”
“It also lacked value for money,” said Grant Manager Dee Funder.
World’s Scientists Announce New Record Of 11,638 Breakthroughts In 2023
Beating the 2022 record with almost two months to spare (and factoring in the likely retraction of between 3 and 7 previously declared breakthroughs).
Students Study Study Study
A review of studying methods has been put under the microscope by students.
Scientists Discover Exact Amount Of Publications Below Which One Is “Uncompetitive” And Above Which One Is “Predatory”
Value of number not disclosed as it is Commercial In Confidence
Natural Hazards Researchers Can Hardly Believe Their Luck At The Massive Influx Of Data Points Expected In The Coming Decades
“These impending disasters should prove incredibly helpful at testing our hypothesis that we are *&@#$^ the climate system,” scientists say.
Staff Offered One Research Output Of Their Choice For Filling In Staff Survey
“We had a good uptick in completion rates when we started offering coffee vouchers,” said HR Manager Hugh Mann, “but we’re pretty sure we’ll hit 100% now that we’re offering staff an output of their choice. Most junior staff are going for a journal article, with mid-career researchers its more like a PhD completion or an ARC grant. Unfortunately we’ve had to tell a lot of senior staff that ‘fresh blood’ is not a research output.”
University Launches Newsletter Summary Product, NewsMeta
“Between updates from the Head of School, Dean of Faculty, Vice Chancellor and various other important people, we realised that staff were having a hard time keeping up,” said Communications Manager Lotta Torkin. “Our new newsletter-summarising service NewsMeta captures the most important parts of all these newsletters in one handy location.” When asked if Large Language Models were involved in producing the summary, Ms Torkin declined to comment.
Springer Nature Announces New Emoji Reaction Journal Decisions
“We’ve heard what our Editors and Associate Editors are saying and we’ve listened,” said Policy Manager Paul Issy. “We’re thrilled to be able to give hundreds of hours back to these talented volunteers by offering them the option of responding to a journal article submission with a simple thumbs up, thumbs down or shrug emoji.”
Pun-Free Fire Researcher Saluted
Fire scientist Willa Burn has been lauded by her colleagues for being active in the fire research community for over 20 years without using a single fire-related pun. “She didn’t use any heat-related puns either,” said her colleague Sonny Day.
Researcher Urges Return To Natural Fire Conditions
“If we’re going to co-exist with fire, we need to go back to the way it used to be,” said early earth researcher Con Dishens, “about four billion years ago. So things like magma ocean, steam atmosphere and frequent asteroid and meteorite impacts. I’m fairly sure if we just give that a chance we’ll get back into balance.”
Researchers Mourn Closing Of Knowledge Gap
Scientific researchers have announced a 15 minute window of mourning on Thursday afternoon at 2:30pm following the closing of a knowledge gap by researchers in the field. “Honestly, I did not think we’d get there so quickly,” scientist Arn Ansid said.
Honest Researchers Declare Their Study Has “Absolutely No Implications For Management”
No manager was able to be reached for comment.
Hamish,
You forgot to mention that disturbance (disasters) are a positive economic event - they stimulate the economy & increase GDP from the rebuilding & recovery activities they require (after the event) ...
Mike W.
Interesting.
That UN system reminds me of a trivia question I heard recently:
Q: Who said, “You can fight fire with fire, so we can fight lack of acknowledgment of fire with lack of acknowledgment of fire”?
(A: it was controversial theorists Paul Odgic and Hezin de Nyle, and ironically, both were later fired)