Pyrobrainiac
What if Dog Man but in academia with fire?
Scene 1
The sun rises on a new day in the trendy inner city suburb of Kindling.
One of our heroes, world-leading fire researcher Professor Carie Murie, is sitting down for a coffee at the Floppy Albatross café. Clothed in a tweed jacket with elbow patches, she sips a long black from a giant milkshake cup.
Professor Murie almost chokes on her coffee when she sees a headline on her phone that screams UNI FUNDING SLASHED.
“I really hope Bernie or Carmen gets one of those fellowships they applied for. Wouldn’t it be amazing if they both got one!”
Suddenly a text message from Bernie appears on her screen
Bad news boss! I missed out on the fellowship
Seconds later, another text message appears, this time from Carmen.
Outcomes were just announced for the Bright Sparks Fellowship. Unfortunately I was not successful on this occasion.
Murie curses and motions to the waiter for another jumbo long black.
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Scene 2
A meeting of Professor Murie’s research group is taking place on campus. Alongside her are postdoctoral fellow Dr Carmen Steady and PhD student Bernie Tall.
Carmen is serious, well spoken and smart. Her track record is the envy of her peers. She wears a lab coat and carries a notebook and pen at all times.
Bernie is long-limbed and jittery. As he sits he fidgets, bouncing his legs, adjusting his clothes and fiddling with multiple tattoos of fidgets spread across his arm. Bernie likes setting things on fire.
“I am so sick of this damn system!” Murie shouts. “It’s not good enough!!”
“It is competitive, that’s for sure,” Carmen replies.
“It’s not just competitive. It’s RIGGED!” Murie snaps back. “Have you seen who got funded for the Bright Sparks? A bunch of hacks. Clueless morons who wouldn’t know a discovery if it bit them on the nose.”
“You know what I think might help?” Bernie asks.
Murie and Carmen both look at Bernie.
“Why don’t we head down to the lab and set some fires! That always relaxes me.”
Murie and Carmen ignore Bernie and keep talking.
“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this,” the Professor says, “but I think it’s time to launch Operation Funding Breakthrough.”
Carmen gasps.
“Tonight - midnight - meet me outside the StarTech cybernetic lab.”
“We’re gonna burn it down, aren’t we?!” Bernie says excitedly.
“No!” Murie and Carmen both reply.
Carmen explains. “Operation Funding Breakthrough is the Professor’s audacious plan to create a new breed of interdisciplinary researcher capable of asking and answering the most pressing questions in modern fire science.”
“You mean, by running a long-term industry-linked PhD training program?” Bernie asks.
“No, by creating a cyborg programmed with knowledge from different scientific disciplines. Ecology, climate science, engineering -”
“So no burning then?”, Bernie replies sadly.
“- risk modelling, statistics, botany, ” Carmen continues.
“Alright, I get the picture.” Bernie gets up and starts walking out.
“- physics, software development, economics…”
Carmen pauses and turns to Murie. “Were we putting any social science or history or philosophy in there?”
“Hell no. What would those space cadets know?”
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Scene 3
It is late at night inside the StarTech facility. Professor Murie, Carmen and Bernie are sitting together on the floor, exhausted but satisfied.
A flash of lightning illuminates the laboratory through a glass window. In the centre of the lab is a figure lying down on a lab bench, covered by a sheet. The figure raises an arm, and extends its index finger.
“It’s alive!” cackles Murie maniacally.
Carmen is scribbling furiously in her notebook.
“Quiet, I think it’s trying to say something!” Bernie says.
For a moment, the lab is covered in deathly silence. Murie approaches the figure and removes the sheet.
Before them lies a tall, muscular figure surprisingly similar in appearance to Arnold Schwarzenegger from the 1980s smash hit movie, The Terminator. It is wearing a motorcycle jacket, jeans, boots and dark sunglasses.
“Eureka. I’ve got it,” the figure announces, in a thick Austrian accent.
“To secure a major funding bid, here is what you need to do…”
The creature then spells out a lengthy plan, which Carmen carefully writes down.
“I’m not sure about this,” Carmen cautions. “It’s definitely illegal and arguably unethical.”
“Lucky you’re not in charge.” Murie replies.
Bernie pumps his fist.
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Scene 4
We are once more at the Floppy Albatross. Professor Murie sips her giant long black and Carmen drinks a magic.
Their new “colleague” is with them and is sipping a mango smoothie through a straw.
Murie reads from her phone.
A fire has broken out in bushland near Privileged Pastures. A daring helicopter rescue was carried out, saving the lives of a small group of ultra high net worth individuals who were meeting there for a business strategy roundtable.
Bernie walks into the café, his hands and face suspiciously black (sooty, one might say). “Phew, that was hard work! But fun,” he says, winking at Professor Murie.
He turns to the waiter. “One chamomile tea, please. Extra weak.”
“My goodness,” Carmen exclaims. “I can’t believe you did this. It could have been so much worse.”
“What are you talking about, this is great! The first domino has fallen,” Murie says, pleased.
“Now that these rich people have “ - she glances at Bernie - “unexpectedly seen first hand what fire can do, they’re bound to care about it. And what do rich people do when they care about something?”
“Bribe politicians?” Carmen says.
“Build statues?” Bernie says.
“No! They throw money at it. Hopefully at a world-leading bushfire research program.”
“Like who?” Bernie asks.
“Like us!”
Murie continues to read.
The captains of industry have announced a press conference for 9am tomorrow at Town Hall.
“Are you getting this down, Carmen? We all need to be there.”
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Scene 5
Outside the Town Hall, Professor Murie and her team are have a little trouble getting their new colleague past security.
“Oh, ah, umm... This is my colleague, a visiting Professor from Germany, Dr… Dr…” Murie stumbles.
“Frankenstein,” Bernie interjects.
“Dr Frankenstein?” the security team replies incredulously.
“Dr Einstein,” Carmen says. “Dr Frank Einstein. He’s a man of few words.”
The confused looks on the faces of the security team are enough to allow Murie and team to scramble in.
Proceedings have begun as they look for a seat.
“… which is why we, the leaders of tomorrow, have decided on a bold course of action.” One of the ultra high net worth individuals, a tech titan called Guy White, is speaking.
“This has been an eye opening experience. It’s clear we need to invest in a fire-proof future, and we intend to do it now.”
“Domino two!” Murie excitedly whispers to Carmen.
“Which is why we’ve decided to concrete over Privileged Pastures, to ensure fire never threatens our beautiful homes again.”
“What?”, Murie mutters to herself. “He can’t be serious!”
“In order to optimise the risk mitigation,” Guy continues, “we’ll need to extend the concreting to a few neighbouring areas. We’re making arrangements to purchase them now.”
Bernie turns to Carmen. “Don’t you have a field site just down the road from there?”
Carmen looks ill.
“C’mon, let’s get out of here,” Murie says to the team.
“As for you,” she says, gesturing to their new colleague, “we’re gonna need a better name than Frank Einstein.”
“How about Pyrobrainiac?” Bernie suggests.
Before Murie or Carmen can respond, the cyborg once more raises an arm, index finger extended.
“I have another idea.”
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To be continued…
DISCLAIMER
Any resemblance between the events and characters in this blog post and reality is strictly coincidental. Future Fire condemns all harmful actions in the strongest possible terms, including but not limited to arson, cyborg creation and reckless combination of scientific disciplines.
Oh I love this! "I'll be back!"
The future is now bright (but not firey ?). Pyrobraniac for a nobel (peace prize of course) and president (of the Uni first, the country later).
Mike W.