Dear Santa, From Future Fire
A Christmas Wish List
I’ve been good.
I’ve researched wildfire risk, fire management effectiveness and the impact of climate change on both.
I’ve collaborated with scientists from a range of disciplines.
I’ve done a spot of teaching here and there.
Served on committees.
Engaged with fire managers and other end users.
Even dabbled in outreach, talking to journalists and maintaining a blog with a small but influential readership.
What’s more, I’ve carried out my tasks in accordance with ACBI, the University of Melbourne’s reference framework for the achievements, contributions and expectations of academic staff (Academic Career Benchmarks and Indicators).
In other words, I’ve filled my end of the bargain. It’s time for you to stump up.
You probably don’t need me to tell you these, but just to be safe, here are a few ideas for Christmas presents for me.
An ongoing position. I know these things don’t grow on trees, Santa, but if you could spare just one, I’d be so grateful, really I would! With my current employer, if you please, but I understand if you think it’s best to have me offered something at another prestigious institution to bring back here for leverage.
A promotion. I know, I know, the head of school thinks applying would be premature, a 30/70 shot (or 40/60 at best). But without some external sign of validation, who would I be? What would I be? Surely I couldn’t just go on… working? That’s madness! And anyway, nobody pays to hear what a senior research fellow has to say. An associate professor on the other hand? Why, I’ll practically be a professor! The embodiment of external validation. I’ll be Gatsby, all my dreams made true, without the comeuppance. Anyway, just an idea.
A fellowship. As you know, I’ve applied for two. Both would fund my continued existence in academia for four years, which is 28 in academic years. I know I don’t find out until March and July respectively, but maybe you could send an errant email my way, with the examiner’s reports stating that I’m a shoo in? You wouldn’t believe the peace of mind it would afford me, knowing I’m one of the chosen ones. Oh yes, and of course the research would be terribly important too.
Some kind of scientific goldmine. You know, like a new dataset or method, a cashcow that I can milk endless papers, citations and students out of. Or maybe a burst of productivity to finish all those incomplete projects and collaborations I have lying around. Heck, I’d settle for one good idea that I can repeat for the rest of my career.
Influence. Could you make it so that my work influences decision makers? Like, in a good way? Make whatever changes to my work you need to, to ensure this is logically possible. And no unintended consequences or dodgy side effects allowed either.
Credibility. As you know, I don’t do field or labwork and I don’t fight fires. I just think and talk and analyse data and write. I’m a sitting duck here, a backgammon blot! If you could just, you know, give me some aura of respectability, authenticity, something that would hold sway with fire managers, policy makers, the general public or purse string holders… It could make a world of difference.
Awareness. Could you make a couple of extra people aware of the existence of my work? Could be anyone really, no preference, but - just spitballing here, maybe some ultra high net worth individuals?
Work life balance. As you know, all-seeing one, I’ve fallen a little out of balance as the year has gone on. If you could screw my head on a little tighter, I’d find a way to do just the right amount of work and switch off just frequently enough to be a whole human.
Some way to effectively deal with email and to do lists
Fulfilment of the applied academic’s serenity prayer:
Oh Great Science Muse,
give me the smarts to research the things that might effect change,
the moxy to make connections outside academia to help facilitate that change,
and the discipline to carve out time for both.
A job with a realistic shot at work life balance. Maybe academic ain’t it. I’m open to that. I don’t know where else I’d get to learn, be paid well and have flexible working conditions, do relatively little harm and maybe even help make the world a slightly better place. But maybe you do. You definitely got connections. Could I work remotely as a workshop elf?
A solution to the global wildfire crisis. I’m not a completely selfish bastard, despite all the other items on this list. I would totally settle for this as my only gift. So how ‘bout it? Could you take care of fire for us? Would that be too much to ask? Before you wash your hands of the whole thing, I’d recommend looking at the latest climate change projections for the North Pole. It’s not pretty. Now, if I’m honest, I’m not entirely sure what the solution looks like, but this is a bit of a sneaky wish because solving this would solve climate change, greatly improve our relationship with the environment, greatly improve the rights of Indigenous peoples, greatly improve public understanding of risk… I don’t actually think it means there are no fires any more. Does it mean there aren’t any big, bad ones? Probably not that either. But maybe they come infrequently enough that we find a way to stay safe, minimise the impacts and learn from them. But frequently enough for plants and animals that need fire. Just.. just find the Goldilocks zone for every single fire regime on earth and keep fire there, alright?
While I’m here, how ‘bout some peace on earth
A voucher at the local bookstore
Great piece! Turning the frustration of academia into a constructive and funny wish-list - of course ending with a book voucher ;) All the best for the new year and keep writing.