Alone Academia

Ten Australians are dropped off alone in separate areas of remote academic wilderness where they must deal with the forces of nature, hunger, and loneliness.

[A camera shot begins high above a quiet, suburban area with a mixture of tree-lined streets and more industrial areas. As the camera smoothly descends and zooms in, the quiet suburb gives way to the sprawling expanse of a university campus.]

[Voiceover] Welcome to academia.

[We see modern, glass-fronted buildings side by side with older, decrepit buildings. A classic sandstone quadrangle gives way to notice boards and poles plastered with a colorful array of posters and flyers. A group of colleagues are chatting by a cafe, their bodies blurred in the backgrounds with their coffee cups in focus in the foreground.]

[Voiceover] A barren wilderness to most, but for ten Australians, this is now home.

[The previous pleasant scene gives way to a Zoom call in Brady Bunch mode, with someone saying “Can I get a volunteer?” followed by awkward faces, one of whose camera turns off, and someone typing “BRB” in the chat window. We cut to an image of an untitled email and a mouse hovering over the exclamation mark icon, with the popup text "High Importance” appearing. Finally we see a picture of laptop screen with an error message that says “You have been logged out due to idleness. Please make sure you save your changes frequently.” A hand closes the laptop screen with palpable frustration.]

[Voice of a contestant] If you don’t respect the academic environment here, it will slap you hard.

[Voiceover] Our ten contestants have arrived here in the far reaches of academic wilderness with widely varying backgrounds. Some are fresh out of their PhD, some are Emeritus Professors. Some teach, some research and some are professional staff. All are convinced that they will walk away with the $250,000 prize that goes to the last person standing - the last person to survive…

De-identified academic institution hosting Season One of Alone Academia (Source: Wikimedia Commons)

Day 1

10 remain

[Cut to contestant, a woman in her 40s standing outside a nondescript office building.] My name’s Ariane and I’m an ecologist. I’m feeling pretty good. I managed to get ten publications out last year. That kind of protein should get me through at least the first few months here, I reckon.

[Cut to another contestant, a young man who looks like he could still be in high school. He is sitting in an office chair in a large open plan area. A few desks away a few people look in his direction. They both look annoyed.] My name is Philip. I’ve just completed my PhD in a very prestigious quantum computing lab. I turned down offers from Harvard and Cambridge to participate in Alone Academia. I think I have what it takes. [Long pause] I know I have what it takes.

[Cut to another contestant, an older man who could be a stock photo of a professor - patches on the elbow of his jacket, receding hairline, friendly but slightly arrogant smile. He is unpacking a bag at a desk. He pulls out a framed degree and looks for somewhere to hang it.] I still can’t believe I got an office to myself. [The camera pans around the room. It is small to the point of claustrophobia. A window looks out onto a brick wall three feet away. Some moss is growing on a few of the bricks.] This is really going to pay off when exam time comes around. [After a beat] I’m David.

[Cut to another contestant. A middle aged woman is on the phone.] Jain. J-A-I-N. Yes, N for Nelly. Thank you? How long did you say? Three business days? That’s not acceptable. I’ve been hired on a priority project and I have deliverables that require immediate access. Tomorrow? That would be amazing. Thank you. Thank you so much. Bye bye. [She turns to the camera.] If you want to survive here you need to prioritise. You need a desk, you need a toilet and you need an email account. And not in that order. My name is Rama. I have a PhD in industrial chemistry and 10 years experience in a large multinational. I’m currently working in an administrative role.

[Cut to another contestant. A man somewhere around his 40s - it is hard to tell given his large beard. He is exploring the building, peering through glass windows, reading name plates beside doors. He frowns. ] I think I reviewed this guy’s paper last year [Does an impression of former NBA announcer Marv Albert] Rejected! [ He keeps walking. Upon reaching a locked door, he unzips a bumbag and rifles through a stack of security cards.] Luckily they let me count these as a single item. I don’t expect any of them to work, but you never know. [On the seventh try, the door opens] Jackpot. [He enters and walks past a row of people at standing desks. None look up at him. He keeps walking.] My name’s Colin. I’ve been a postdoc for 15 years. 15? Maybe it’s 16. Never had a contract longer than two years. Hopefully I’m not *over* confident, but I’ll certainly be giving this a red hot go. It can’t be worse than my job at [INSTITUTION REDACTED].

[Voiceover] As the sun sets on our first day in academic wilderness, our contestants are setting up. They will face hardships that test the limits of the human body, mind and spirit.

All are equipped with a shared services phone number. When they are ready to tap out, all they need to do is press 4, then 1, then 1 again, and then state their name clearly.

The last one standing will claim a prize of $250,000.

NEXT WEEK ON ALONE ACADEMIA

[We see a montage of contestants.]

[One is reading an email aloud.] You will be required to coordinate a first year subject - Oh f*ck.

[Cut to a camera panning up and down a hallway. Another contestant speaks.] Eight offices and not a soul in sight. You little beauty! [Contestant starts playing loud rock music.]

[Cut to another contestant wandering around a desolate campus with rising frustration.] There’s gotta be a vending machine somewhere around here. Come on, come on. [Fade to black.]

[We think the preview is over but then we hear a contestant sounding panicked.] Did you hear that? She just said she’s going to the Head of School. [Fade out]